Friday, March 25, 2011

Charlie Sheen. What the Chuck?

When all of the major news outlets were bursting with crazy Charlie Sheen interviews, I told myself I wasn’t going to write about it. I never really liked Charlie Sheen, I thought Two and a Half Men was mediocre at best, and his best work was sitting in the police station in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. (He probably didn't realize at the time that he'd be playing this role for most of his real life.) I was hoping that if we all ignored him he would go away. Well, his very carefully orchestrated “madness” seems to have no end in sight. After breaking a world record by getting one million followers on Twitter in one day and now having over three million, it appears no one is ignoring him. I can’t for one second believe that he is actually crazy. People that freebase coke are not that coherent. He’s faking it, or better, “acting.” Good for him though, his crazy act is selling out shows fast and he already has Chuck Lorre and CBS begging him to come back. You can tell the world is a mess when repeats of Two and a Half Men are surpassing good shows in the ratings. Oh well, I guess it proves that “any publicity is good publicity.” So, hats off to Charlie Sheen, congratulations, you’re "winning." I just can't wait till he crashes and burns. It is evident that his "rants" are actually well written and rehearsed, which they should be since he is a professional actor. But that is the problem: he is trying to sell us this crazy Charlie Sheen, creating hype and publicity in order to fatten his wallet.  So I drink this beer in honor of you, Sheen! Drink up while you can because at 8.2% alcohol by volume, Southern Tier’s 2XIPA, an American Double/Imperial IPA, will eventually knock you off your feet and we'll all barely remember "that time Charlie Sheen acted crazy, or maybe was, but who cares cause he's probably dead now, or at least his career is."  It is full of all the usual IPA flavor suspects, but being an Imperial, it is stuffed to the brim. Overwhelming but expected, the abundance of grapefruit, citrus, and pine smells and flavors mask the high alcohol content. It perfectly represents the path I think this Sheen epidemic will take. It’s all fun at first, you drink a couple, feel great, but then the hidden high alcohol hits hard. If you're Sheen, I imagine it will crash down hard in the form of snorting a few grams of coke, leaving to pick up some prostitutes, and then spinning your car backwards off Mulholland Drive. Luckily, you’ll be so wired, you’ll walk home and probably forget everything. The next morning the police will be at your house helping you fill out a “stolen vehicle report.” But lucky for us, we aren’t Charlie Sheen, so “overdoing it” with this big IPA results in you going to sleep early and waking up with a slight hangover. You might not want to session this beer all day, just like you wouldn’t want to go on a road trip with Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen's car
Charlie's other car

Charlie looking like a wreck
A relatively safe alternative

None of these pictures were used with permission. Thank you, internet.


  1. Hey now, he was pretty good in Platoon, although the rest of his movies are kind iffy on their quality. I totally agree that he is faking just for some more fame, because this isn't the first time this has happened in Hollywood. Remember that whole Jaoquin Phoenix ordeal a couple years ago? Turned out to just him playing a charcter. Ya cant really just anything that comes out of a town full of professional actors and you are spot on in your analysis of Sheen. Keep up the good work.


  2. I actually had a whole thing about Joaquin Phoenix I was gonna post too, cause Charlie is really playing right out of his handbook. He's kinda riding Conan O'Brien's train too, by instantly going viral, and announcing a huge tour..

    You're right, he was good in Platoon, but he'll never be better than his uncle Joe in Soultaker or his brother Emilio in Repo Man...